Confirm Jokes From Xplora>>>>

Discussion in 'Jokes And Riddles' started by Xplora, Nov 23, 2010.

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    An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished Englishman with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

    "If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account."
    "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $2,000,000 bank account."
    "If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll have sex with her again!"


    This and many other more is coming - brought all the way from face-book
    Thanks
    Xplora
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    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

    Finally , the guys' side of the story.
    ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
    We always hear " the rules "
    ......From the female side.

    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
    See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

    1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping
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    After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

    The Pope was still standing on the curb.

    "Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

    "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

    "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

    The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

    Bigger

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

    "So bust him," said the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

    Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the cop.

    The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Chief: "Governor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    "Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

    Cop: "I think it's God!"

    Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

    Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
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    Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.

    Creation

    In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.

    Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.

    Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.

    Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.

    Noah

    The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

    Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph


    Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.

    Moses

    Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.

    Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.

    Joshua

    Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.

    David

    David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.

    Solomon

    One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.


    Jonah and Other Prophets

    After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.

    There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.

    The New Testament

    When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."

    Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.

    Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.

    Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.
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    Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him 50 bucks."

    "Oh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him 100 bucks."

    "That's nothin'," said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money!"
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    20 top ways to annoy people

    1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

    3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

    7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

    8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

    10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

    11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    12. Sniffle incessantly.

    13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

    16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

    17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

    18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

    19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

    20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
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    MY CATS DAIRY

    Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get... from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.

    Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

    Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .

    Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
    a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .
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    Chuck Norris Jokes(for those who know who he is)

    There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what
    he calls everything around you.

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

    When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

    Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

    Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

    Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

    Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.

    Leading Hand sanitizers claim that they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

    Chuck Norris's calender goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.

    If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

    Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

    The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a **** would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
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    funniest joke ever

    An old man marries a much younger woman. However, no matter what he tries, he can never bring her to orgasm.

    He goes to a sex therapist and tells him his problem.

    "What you've got to do is encourage your wife to fantasize," says the therapist.

    "Hire a young man to stand at your bedside and get him to wave a towel while you have sex."

    Though puzzled, the old man agrees to give it a go.

    He hires a young bodybuilder to stand over the couple the next time they have sex.

    The bodybuilder stands by waving a towel but still the wife won't orgasm.

    The old man goes back to the therapist, who suggests the old man and the bodybuilder swap positions.

    That night the bodybuilder and the wife have sex while the old man stands at the bedside waving the towel.

    In a very short time the wife has a series of earth-shattering orgasms.

    "Hah!" shouts the old man, slapping the bodybuilder's butt.

    "Now THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel!"
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    The updated dictionary

    CIGARETTE:A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a **** at the other
    MARRIAGE:It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters
    DIVORCE:Future Tense of Marriage
    LECTURE:An art of transmitting information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
    CONFERENCE:The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
    COMPROMISE:The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
    TEARS:The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power!
    DICTIONARY:A place where divorce comes before marriage CONFERENCE ROOM:A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on
    ECSTASY:A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
    CLASSIC:A book which people praise, but never read
    OFFICE:A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life YAWN:The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth
    ETC:A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
    COMMITTEE:Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
    EXPERIENCE:The name men give to their mistakes
    ATOM BOMB:An invention to bring an end to all inventions PHILOSOPHER:A **** who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead
    OPPORTUNIST:A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
    OPTIMIST:A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
    FATHER:A banker provided by nature
    CRIMINAL:A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught POLITICIAN:One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later
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    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand the stand. He approached her and asked 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me? She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney? She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He is lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a norma relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him. The defence attorney nearly died The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said'If either of you idiots asks her is she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
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    Hi guyz,
    I really love to start this way,
    A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
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    Four
    best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births
    to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says,
    "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the
    manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you......
    got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm,strange I worked as a director for
    the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and
    says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says,
    "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are
    happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place,
    cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's
    wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
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    DONT JOKE!!

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Kevin had married a woman from ABIA, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a co...uple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    Jimmie had married a woman from ABUJAl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    Now the third man had married a girl from LAGOS. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
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    A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

    His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the President for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

    The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with the president?"

    His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

    Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

    His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

    The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
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    We are gathered here in the presence of God and men to join these people in holy matrimony. We know they have been sleeping together in secret but now they can do it with the knowledge of everyone.

    And as marriage is holy, at least in theory, I put it forth that if there is anyone in this gathering who has a valid reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone ..... Is there anyone .....? C'mon, he must have slept with some of you? Someone..... ? Anyone .... ? I know someone here has slept with her too? Well, I guess they were all one night stands.

    Moving on swiftly. Mr Groom, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded bride, to love to cherish and to hold, to listen to her whinning halfway through the night, always suck up to his father, to always lose an argument or else..., to listen to unending lies about her having a headache when you really need to release steam, put up with PMS... sometime faked... till death do you part?

    (I do?.....)

    Very well. And do you Miss Bride, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love to cherish and to hold. To cook for, clean up after, give up watching soaps and anything interesting when there is football, find the toilet seat up everytime, clean pee off it, take care of kids alone, house your in laws, cook tea for his friends during any important game for all the days of your life?

    (I do? .... )

    Well then, I pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined, let no man, neighbour, handsome workmate, barmaid, beer brand, ex's, in-laws, milkman, shamba-boy,housegirl, driver or sexy secretary put asunder.. You may kiss the bride...

    Now THAT I call honesty
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    Things to do when in an elevator (USE AT YOUR OWN RISK)

    Use at own risk
    Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
    Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of you kleenex to other passengers
    Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damnit, all of you just shut up!"
    Whistle the first seven notes of "It a Small World" incessantly.
    Sell Girl Scout cookies.
    On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequence of the elevator.
    Shave.
    Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
    Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
    Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the door open, then act embarrassed when they open themselves.
    Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol comming!"
    Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    One word: Flatulence!
    On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    Do Tai Chi exercises.
    Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
    Meow occasionally.
    Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    Push all of the buttons when you get off... Works great if there are still people on it.
    Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
    Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
    Leave a box between the doors.
    Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    Wear a puppet on you hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    Start a sing-along.
    When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
    Play the harmonica.
    Shadow box.
    Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    Lean against the button panel.
    Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    Listen to the elevator wall with a stethoscope.
    Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that its your personal space
    Bring a chair along to sit in.
    Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    Blow spit bubbles.
    Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    When the elevator starts moving you move up & down until the elevator shakes and yell "EARTHQUAKE!"
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    Headache

    The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

    Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
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    Mouldy Stuff

    Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

    "Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

    "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

    Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
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    Kids

    A little kid gets on a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
    The kid goes on wi...th several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
    ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
    The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''



    A little boy asks his dad: What’s between mom's legs???The father
    answers: PARADISE, my son....The kid asks again: What’s between your
    legs????The father replies: The KEY to the paradise.....The son says:
    GOSH!!! Piece of advice dad, CHANGE THE LOCK, the neighbour has a COPY
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    Imao

    "Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled.
    Little sammy doesn't go, he walks to the teachers
    desk and says, "Teacher can I go home with you?"
    The teacher says "No!"
    ...Little sammy says, "I'll tell my daddy."
    ...So the teacher says, "Okay."
    They got to the teachers house and she says,
    "Well I'm going to take a quick shower, you sit
    right here."
    "Can I take a shower with you?" he asks.
    "NO!" says the teacher.
    "I'll tell my daddy!!"
    "Well, okay, I guess so."
    So, they're in the shower and little sammy says,
    "Can I turn off the lights?"
    "No!" says the teacher.
    "I'll tell my daddy."
    "Well, okay."
    So the lights are off and little sammy says, "Can I
    stick my finger in your belly button?"
    "NO!" says the teacher.
    "I'll tell my daddy."
    "Well, okay"says the teacher.
    "SAMMY!!!! That's not my belly-button!"
    "Yeah? That's not my finger either."
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    Smart Dude

    I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

    My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

    ...There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

    She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

    She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

    I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

    My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

    The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
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    Yo mama jokes.. classics p.s i invented all of them

    ur mama is so fat she has the whole new testament tatooed on her left arse cheek.
    ..i'v known er 4 18yrs bt i cnt even describe er face cuz am 2 scared 2 look
    Yo mama's so ugly when she is been created Satan was d 1 givin God instruction on Hw 2 mould her, he was lik ''Add more mud! Make d face n no...se flat! Mak her shorter, Ya!! Dat is my mini-me!'
    Yo mama's so fat n filthy she hasn't got worms crawln all around her, she has got pigs walkn all over her!! (stinky bitch) and so so ugly when ever she walk pass pple snap dem fingers n say ''GOD n SATAN FORBID!
    yo mama's so ugly ur dad takes her to work everyday just because he doesnt wana kiss her goodbye
    Yo mama's so stupid dat if evry bit of her stupidity was 2 b represented by a candle, damn! 2 b in Hell wil b consider cool n comfortable
    yo mama is so damn poor she cnt even afford 2 PAY attention.
    yo mama's so poor that robbers broke in2 ur house and they had 2 give ur mama money
    yo mama is so stupid i told the bitch if i had 5000pennies then i would be able to afford a few basic necessities, the bitch looks at me and says; i av had over 5000penis yet i can't afford nothing.

    for more yo mama jokes go to the group wall,. if u think u can take me on,. then reply on my post.. later
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    Bad Monkey!

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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    Marriage Lies

    There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

    So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic se...ssion, she turned on the lights.

    She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

    The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."
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    Smart Old Lady!

    A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
    After much hemming and hawing, the bank... staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
    The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
    She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
    The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
    The old lady replied, "I make bets."
    The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
    The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
    "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
    The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
    "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
    The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
    "Sure!" replied the confident president.
    That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
    He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
    The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
    The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
    "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
    Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
    She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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    MARRIAGE!

    How do most men define marriage?

    A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

    Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a **** when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
    Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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    True meaning of what men mean when they say

    Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
    True Meaning: "I'm poor."

    ...Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
    True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

    Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
    True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

    Statement: "She's kinda cute."
    True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
    head might be necessary."

    Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
    True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

    Statement: "Was it good for you?"
    True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

    Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
    True Meaning: "Who are you?"

    Statement: "Do you love me?"
    True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

    Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
    True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
    out sooner or later."

    Statement: "How much do you love me?"
    True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
    their way to tell you by now."

    Statement: "I have something to tell you."
    True Meaning: "Get tested."

    Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
    True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

    Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
    True Meaning: "You're ugly."

    Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
    True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

    Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine.
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    Laugh Your ass Off

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
    a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying
    the girl to the bed he gets on top ...of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
    ... and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's
    an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
    in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
    neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he
    tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
    probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong,
    honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
    whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
    asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
    strong honey. I love you too!!"
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    Jokes Of The Day

    I have discovered a cheap pregnancy test: peel banana. Insert in vagina. Wait 30 sec. Remove. If its half eaten there's a baby.

    Never KISS a lady police,She will say, hands up.
    Never KISS a lady doctor,She will say, Next please
    Always KISS a lady teacher,She will say, repeat it 5 time

    Two men in a supermarket collide. The first man says "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going, I've lost my wife and am trying to find her."
    The second man says "oh don't worry, I wasn't looking where I was going either, funnily enough, I've lost my wife too."
    ...First man says "well, why don't we team up and try and find them both?"
    "Good idea" says the second man "what does your wife look like?"
    "Well," says the first man "she's 5'11, long blonde hair, big blue eyes, big bo.o.bs, and is wearing a short skirt and a low cut top. What does your wife look like?"
    "Doesn't matter" says the second man "let's look for yours."


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