Spookydee jokeelicious

Discussion in 'Jokes And Riddles' started by Spookydee, Nov 27, 2011.

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    Spookydee Member

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    A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

    The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

    The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

    The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the f*cking brakes on that truck."

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    A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
    "Yep".
    "Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
    "Yep".
    When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
    "Yep".
    Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
    "Yep".
    "Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
    "Yep".
    So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
    He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

    Spookydee Member

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    A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s that guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?â€

    Spookydee Member

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    Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"

    His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

    Little Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."

    Spookydee Member

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    A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

    He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

    There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

    He hears a priest come in:

    "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

    The priest replies, "Get out, you ****. You're on my side".

    Spookydee Member

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    A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

    After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

    Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

    After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!

    Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse.
    Look what he did to my tits!

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    Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
    The men open the next safe.
    There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
    The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.

    "John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.

    A couple of minutes late there comes John. "It is definitely a bank!"
    "What exactly did the sign say?"
    "The Sperm Bank of Ohio!"

    Spookydee Member

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    One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

    Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

    She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

    The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."


    He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

    Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

    His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."


    After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:

    "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


    The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!


    'Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


    The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


    In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."


    The defendant wrote out a check immediately.


    Case closed!

    Spookydee Member

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    Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."

    "Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."

    About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.

    Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

    "Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.

    Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."

    Spookydee Member

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    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

    "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

    "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

    Spookydee Member

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    Five Things to Remember in Life:
    1. Money cannot
    buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a
    Mercedes than on a bicycle.
    2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
    3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you
    when they're in trouble again.
    4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.
    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither
    does milk..
    so with all dat n mind,eat,sleep,exercise n
    fartless

    Spookydee Member

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    Why does history keep repeating itself ?

    Because we weren't listening the first time !

    Spookydee Member

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    An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

    The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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    A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

    The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

    Spookydee Member

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    A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

    After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

    "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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    FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?

    BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .

    BERT: What did you do?

    FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

    Spookydee Member

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    Two men tried to pull the front off a
    cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
    their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
    machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
    they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
    to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
    their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

    Spookydee Member

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    A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
    bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
    was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
    be arrested immediately.

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    A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
    demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
    the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.which contained his identity card

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    A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
    "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

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    While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

    Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

    "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

    "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

    Spookydee Member

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    A wife asked her husband to describe her.

    He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

    She said, 'What does that mean?'

    He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot'.

    She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'

    He said, ' I'm Just Kidding'

    Spookydee Member

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    An insurance rep, a sales assistant and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp.

    The rep rubs off some of the grime and a genie comes out in a cloud of smoke. The Genie says, "I only grant 3 wishes, so I will grant one for each of you."

    "Dips on the first one!â€

    Spookydee Member

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    There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

    The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

    The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

    Spookydee Member

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    Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?â€

    Spookydee Member

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    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

    Spookydee Member

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    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

    Spookydee Member

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    The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

    He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

    The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

    He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

    The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

    He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

    "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

    Spookydee Member

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    There are four kinds of sex :

    HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

    BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

    HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

    COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

    Spookydee Member

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    This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

    He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

    "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

    "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

    He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

    Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

    She replies, "Yes, getting gonoreah - thats why I am here!"


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