Discussion in 'Jokes And Riddles' started by ☻ ☼Â®turk2jinglerƥâ„¢❶₯, Dec 22, 2010.
LITTLE JOHNNY AT SCHOOL
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and u shot one with ur gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away"
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but i like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I ve a question for u? He there were three woman eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone".
"No," said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but i like the way u're thinking."
LITTLE RASCALS VOCABULARY LESSON
The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said, "Alfalfa, use the world love in a sentence".
Alfalfa replies, "I love Darla".
The teacher said, "Good.....now spanky your word is respect".
Spanky replies, "I respect the way Alfalfa lover Darla".
The teacher said, "Very good! Now Buckweat its ur turn, your word is Dictate".
Buckweat replies, "Hey Darla.....how did my dictate last night?.
A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please sir, could u give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I ve made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if u go around the back, you will see a gallon of saint and a clean paint brush. If u'll paint my porch, i'll give u a good meal."
So the bum goes around back a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "finished already? Good, come on in, sit down. The cook will bring ur meal right in."
The bum says, "Thank u very much. But there's something that i think u should know. It's not a porch u got there, it's a BMW"
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do i do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for ur ass."
THE PARROT WITH NO LEGS
This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.
The guy is pretty upset by this and presists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally d guy asks, "well isn't there anything that u can give me?" The bartender says, "i've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.
The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.
The guy thinks for a second and then says, "I've got a job for you" I've to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want u to watch her and tell me everything that happens while i'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man.
The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.
Parrot: "Within an hour after u left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing"
Man: "Then what happened after that?"
Parrot: "They started taking each other's clothes off"
Man: "And then what?" (getting more angry)
Parrot: "Your wife started jacking him off!"
Man:"What next?" (really steamed by this time)
Parrot: "She started giving him a blow job!"
Man: "And what then, did they do anything else?"
Parrot: "I don't know by that time i got a hard on, and fell off my perch!"
LITTLE JOHNNY AT SCHOOL 2
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket".
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched".
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count ur eggs before they're hatched".
Last is little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade of his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possible any moral of his story.
Johnny replies, " Don't **** with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
A group of girlfriends are on vacation wen they see a 5 story hotel with a sign that reads: "for women only". Since they're without their boyfrds and husbands, they decided to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We ve 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once u find what u're lookin for, u can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling u what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesistation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here are tall and handsome. They are rich and perfectly built"
The women get all excited and are going in when they realise that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. They they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there's no way to please a woman"
A redneck calls home from the hospital and says "Honey, i've got some bad news. I cut off my finger at work." His wife asks "The whole finger?" The redneck replies "No, the one next to it"
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here, u can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick....."
The bartender says "Well then, let's see! So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gator's mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when if pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..... "Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
A cowboy is taking a herd of horses to market. After dropping them off he is very hungry and decided to stop and eat. The town is very small and there is only one dinner. He walks in and finds only one seat left. It is next to a nice looking, obviously wealthy young lady. The cowboy sits down in the seat next to her.
The waiter comes by and asks the woman if she was ready to order. She replied: "Yes, i would like the breast of fowl, Virgin fowl. Make sure the bird is a virgin, infact why don't u catch the bird yourself for me. I would like new potatoes, and garnish my plate with parsley, and i would like a cup of coffee, and if there's any foam on the coffee please scoop it off for me. And while u're at it, please open the window! I smell horse, there must be a cowboy in here.
Well, the cowboy was sitting right next to her, and he was very offended at that comment.
Shortly the waiver came back with the woman's coffee and asked the cowboy if he was ready to order. He said "Yes, i would like the duck, fucked duck. **** the bird yourself. Garnish my plate with horse shit and bring me a cup of coffee hotter than Texas mule piss and blow the foam off with a fart. And while you're up, knock out a wall. I smell cunt, there must be a whore in here."
A man went to a pet shop, and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, finally the man said "If u don't stop swearing i'm gonna put u in the freezes as punishment." The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer he asked the bird if it had learned its lesson.
The parrot said "I sure did. By the way, what the **** did that turkey do?"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this father?" The father, having never seen an elevator responded, "I ve no idea what it is." While the any and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair poked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and boy and his father watched as the small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 yrs old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get ur mother."
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very well for themselves.
They got together recently and were discussing what they had done to benefit their aging mother. "Well," said the first one, "I bought mom a huge house in Beverly Hills"
"I bought mom a Mercedes and hired a full time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to"
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to the three sons.
"Gerald -- the house u bought was too big. I only live in one room, but i have to clean the entire house."
"Milton -- the car is useless because i don't go anywhere because i'm too old."
"But robert -- you know exactly what i like. The chicken was delicious."
Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father "what's that hanging between your legs?"
His father replied that it was the perfect penis.
The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pant down in front of his classmates.
"What's that?" asked Jenny. "Well," said Johnny, "If it was about 3 inches longer, it would be a perfect penis"
Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then ask his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and send him to his room.
On his way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's licence falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You're 36 yrs old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because u got an 'F' in sex!"
A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a beer.
"Can i have one, Dad?" "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
"Then you can't have one." The dad out a cigarette.
"Dad, can i smoke one, too?"
"Can your dick touch your asshole?"
"Then you can't have one"
On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and his son won $500. The dad was suprised and a bit jealous.
Father: "You're going to share that with me, aren't you son?"
Son: "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
Son: "Then go **** yourself!"
Once there was a little any in church. He had to go to the bathroom, "Mommy, i have to piss." The mother said, "Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next sunday, the little boy was sitting by his father this time and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told is father, "Daddy i have to whisper." The father said, "Ok, here, whisper in my ear......."
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labour. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says, "I work for the Minnesota twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence." he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tell the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the four seasons. What a coincidence!"
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."
Son: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
Dad: "Well son, you must have gotten it from your mother, cause i still have mine."
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall. While the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before i die, be totaly honest with me...... Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurse bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
An English man was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed a pen and pad by the bed.
With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with that he didn't remember slipping the note in his pocket.
At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note.
He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning i got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away"
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that, why don't you go home for the day....... We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, i'd better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and i ve the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If u need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are u going to be okay? Is there anything i can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that her mom died too!"
Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, "Why haven't we had sex in so long"
"You know i'm worried it will hurt the baby." Sandra told him."
"I'll be really gentle. I promise." Jim tells her.
Sandra protest but Jim manager to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they ve sex.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, "Are u my father?" The doctor shakes his head, then to sandra, "Are u my father?" "No i'm your mother." she tells him.
Finally the baby see Jim and says, "Are u my father?" Jim nods, The baby starts hitting him on the head and says "How does this feel?"
For those who's gonna be my fan this joke is for u:
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, u know i'm a virgin and i don't know anything about sex. Can u explain it to me first?"
"Ok sweetheart, putting it simply, we call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison"
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to ve escaped."
Turning on his side, smiles. "Them we'll ve to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs to a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY!"